We aren’t taught how to have healthy relationships. We tend to get involved too quickly and then just wing it. Or we “learn” from all the unhealthy relationships we see around us. (And we really are surrounded by them.)
Do you feel it’s okay to yell and swear at one another?
Is it acceptable to feel discouraged or miserable 50% of the time?
Does it seem normal to endure jealousy, lies, deceit and pain? Of course not. Yet many people accept and live with this kind of thing every day.
There are several ways to salvage an existing relationship if you’re willing to try. And you can set sail on a new one without crashing into the rocks. Of course you will encounter some waves as you try to rebuild, or learn about someone for the first time. But it is possible to have a more healthy life with a partner.
Get to work on you! We all know people who just cannot be alone. But until they realize they should enter into relationships because they want someone rather than need someone, then they are neither ready nor whole enough to be in a healthy relationship.
You’ve heard the expression “you complete me” haven’t you? Well, what makes someone think they’re incomplete to begin with?
If you need someone else to make you feel good about yourself you’re basically saying you’re not whole, and you expect someone else to provide your sense of value and worth. But that just sets the other person up to fail. No one can sustain the pressure of making you feel worthwhile. Who could live up to that expectation? A healthy relationship is one where two people add value to one another, not one where one person provides life support.
Know yourself and let the other person know you too. Don’t try to be who you think they want you to be. That’s impossible. So be who you are. Then, if they like you, they like YOU.
“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.”
~ Anthony Robbins
Ghost in the Machine
Have you ever seen someone let their past interfere with their present? It’s not pretty, is it? So don’t be haunted by past relationships or let them influence your current one. That will only set you up for the same kind of relationship you’ve already had, which has failed. Don’t be angry at someone because they might have done something that reminds you of your ex.
Though you might have experienced some pain during a previous relationship, the new person is not your ex (yet, lol!) and is likely not doing things on purpose to punish you, so don’t treat them as if they are. Getting angry is like saying “here we go again,” as though you’re in the same old boat, and that the latest mate won’t change or respond to your feelings. That’s unfair. Express your feelings in a calm manner, without any emotion or grief, and see how they respond.
“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”
How often have you seen couples smothering each other? Or one person smothering the other? That’s unhealthy and reveals an underlying insecurity, distrust or lack of wholeness.
Everyone needs space, and alone time. Sometimes it seems as if new couples forget they have friends, a job, or even the need to go to the bathroom. (Okay that last one was extreme but you get the point.) But alone time is a good thing. It allows you to think, pray, brainstorm or do things you enjoy that your partner might not.
We all know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed by constant noise and contact with other people. Haven’t we heard the frustrated outburst, “I wish I could just get away!” at one time or another? That tells us we need time to ourselves to refuel our soul, mind and body. And if you don’t establish early on in the relationship that you need some space, it might be difficult to add it in later. As I mentioned here, you should discuss this expectation too, to avoid any misunderstandings when you lock the door, run the bath, light the candles and sing Roxanne at the top of your lungs.
So don’t get lost in a relationship – get involved in it. Bring all you have to offer, and work so that it can blossom over time.
“Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
Rock Star Success Coach & Sales Trainer