Over the next few blogs I’d like to delve into some fundamentals of how relationships will work better.
One Stop Shopping
Do you know what’s important to you in a relationship? You should. Before you get into any relationship you should know exactly what you want and need in your life.
Add your own values to this grocery list and then arrange them in order of importance. You will probably find that some don’t matter as much as others. But once you’ve identified your essentials, don’t even start a relationship with someone who hasn’t got them. It’s that simple. Yes, it may take a while to find the right person, and it may turn out that not every item on the list gets checked off. But waiting for what you really want will always be a lot better than latching on to the first person you see, just to have a warm body around.
One thing is for sure. You won’t find what you’re looking for if you don’t know what you’re looking for. So with this approach, at least you’ll have a shot at a great relationship, rather than settling for less.
It is better to fall short of a high mark than to reach a low one. ~H. C. Payne
This “list method” can also work if you’re already in a relationship. By going over your list with a fresh perspective your current partner or your spouse may just surprise you, in a good way that is.
Hello? Is This Thing On?
Communication is critical to the success of any relationship. You MUST discuss anything that might matter over the long and short term, and be open to share your feelings too. The more open you are, the less surprises you will have down the road. For example, do you want children? If so, how many? How will you raise them? And who’s responsible for various tasks like doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, paying the bills and things like that?
Whenever you have any concern, you need to communicate with the one person who can actually change or fix things. People often complain on Facebook, vent to their hairdresser, or even look for sympathy from a total stranger online at the supermarket, but they fail to speak to the one person who can help change or make it better – their partner.
When communicating your feelings, you don’t have to be harsh or irritated. Choose tactful and compassionate words instead. And remember, assigning blame is not the goal. Finding a solution is. So don’t attack someone with words. Don’t try to pay them back if they hurt you. That will never bring about the solution you are seeking – if you truly are seeking a solution that is.
Try to avoid saying what you think the other person wants to hear. And never ask a question for the sake of getting a certain answer. That can only lead to frustration. Just be honest; and do you best to express yourself clearly so that you are being understood.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ~George Bernard Shaw
Sorry Seems to Be . . .
You may have heard the song “sorry seems to be the hardest word.” But while that may be true, sometimes it’s even harder to forgive others when they finally do say they’re sorry.
One of the most important lessons I have ever learned is that forgiving someone else releases you from pain, hurt, resentment and anger. It is so freeing! It’s beyond my comprehension that people choose to hold onto bitterness and anger.
“Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger than from those very things for which you are angry.” ~John Mason.
It could be that people feel they’re morally superior when they choose not to forgive. It’s a convoluted way of saying “I would neverhurt someone else like that.” But whatever the reason, withholding forgiveness is not healthy.
So forgive others (and forget too). You will have more harmonious relationships, and be at peace with yourself. Oh, and speaking of self, you should forgive yourself too. It does no good to berate yourself for your own mistakes or poor choices; better to learn from them and move on.
“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realising you were the prisoner!” ~Max Lucado
See you next week for Part Four
Rock Star Success Coach & Sales Trainer